trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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