you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
