I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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