My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
