Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
