Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize