im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
the condom got lost in my hair
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
