Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize