So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
