phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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