i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
