Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
