I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
