when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
