last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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