i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
