Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
