My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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