if you like me you must not know who I am
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
