Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize