I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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