Heybabeimwearingurpanties
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize