he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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