i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
