First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
