she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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