I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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