When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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