Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
