They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I wear drunk well.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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