if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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