You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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