i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
a search helicopter?!
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
