I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize