Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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