My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
