Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
