don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
