I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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