He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
