needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize