I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
