I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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