Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize