Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
