Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
