We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
then he tried to convert me to islam
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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