I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
