the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Naked Twister starts at high noon
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
