i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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