found the other keg... it's in the tree
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
