Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize