i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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