the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
