I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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