two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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