If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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