Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
