Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
