Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
