Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
