Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
