I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
