dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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