two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
