I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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