i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You need a sexual gate keeper
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
