$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
