What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
