i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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