Can i not drive my cunt home
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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