Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
