so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
