fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
